Keeping score can be helpful sometimes, especially in sports like baseball, football (American football), soccer (Football for the rest of the world), bowling, ping pong, scrabble (although now we’re getting into game territory…
I’m sure you get to the drift…
What about keeping score in relationships?
Doesn’t matter if it’s a work relationship, friends, partners, or family.
It’s tempting to list all we do in a relationship and to expect reciprocation and in doing so, begin to keep score, especially of wrongs or offenses.
I try to ask myself a couple questions when this comes up.
First, is it personal?
Is this person intentionally trying to hurt me or was it an honest mistake?
Not one of us is perfect and mistakes happen. Sometimes, in the moment, people will do things they might not normally do.
Was it intentional or simply a mistake?
This is one of those times where I must separate emotion from the equation. If I’m feeling deeply offended and hurt, that emotion can affect my judgement. Walking away and taking a breath can help.
How you feel isn’t right or wrong. It’s how you feel and I would never suggest you ignore it. What I am suggesting is you allow yourself to process it – let it wash over you like a wave in the ocean and once it’s passed – respond.
Talking about what happened with the person involved is key. Letting them know how they made you feel because of their actions can be healing for you and for them. This is one of those times where taking a breath can place you in the right frame of mind to have the conversation.
Making a list of offenses is not helpful. Addressing situations like this close to when they occur can clear the air and keep the relationship vibrant.
Have you ever been in a situation where something happened, and the other person explodes and starts rattling off a list of things you’ve done wrong over 20 years? I have and its not pleasant
My experience tells me these issues come up over and over in conversations because they’ve never been fully addressed and acknowledged. Yup – communication again.
You may be asking why I’m going here?
It’s easy to say, “LOVE doesn’t keep score of the wrongs of others”. It’s another thing to live it out. As I thought about this attribute it made sense to think about practical application. This is one circumstance and one way for us to think about not keeping score.
If you’ve ever been offended, insulted, or trivialized – that feeling you felt in the moment, tends to stick around for a long time. You may forget what was said or even how you got there but the feeling? That can stay with you.
When you’re made to feel afraid it can be even worse. Fear can impact every part of our lives.
It’s the stuff hate is built on and when given a chance to fester, grows and spreads like wildfire.
I chose not to live in fear.
I chose not to live in hate.
Having self-awareness and choosing to walk a different path can help alleviate some of the fear and hurt in those circumstances.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t take steps to protect yourself in dangerous circumstances. When faced with the potential of physical harm most of us will be hyper-aware of our surroundings and if we can, avoid any space or persons that don’t feel safe.
Our brains instantly illicit fight, flight and run responses then. It is wise to stay vigilant.
There’s lots more that be said about relationships and keeping ourselves safe.
Wanna connect? Let’s chat.
Thinking about y’all today…
You are valued…
You are loved…
You are ohh so precious…
Life’s too short | Be kind | Do good
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